Today’s Guest Saturday post comes to us from Dan Miller of the DanMilllerInPanama blog. This satirical look at President Obama’s propensity for Executive Orders was originally published on February 12, 2014.
President Obama will issue an executive decree telling Iran what to do
The P5+1 deal with Iran, like ObamaCare and other laws of the land, means whatever He said (or may have meant to say) it means.
As noted here and elsewhere, the P5+1 deal with Iran may not appear facially to provide for the inspection of, and limitations on activities at, Iran’s military, missile and warhead development sites. Iran, due to her unsophisticated and therefore simplistic approach to matters far beyond her ken, relies on her fatally flawed facial approach to matters related to the deal to argue that the English language version is wrong and that she has given up nothing in exchange for relief from sanctions. However, President Obama has bravely drawn a red line and is firmly resolved that Iran shall not cross it. He has a pen and knows how to use it; He does not bluff. Hence, there is no problem with which He is unable to deal.
According to my confidential White House informant, The Really Honorable I. M. Totus(the Teleprompter Of The United States), President Obama will soon issue a top secret Executive Decree requiring that Iran immediately acknowledge that the deal does, in fact, require inspections and limitations within reasonable limits.
Mr. Totus has graciously provided an advance copy of the Top Secret Executive Decree, which states:
Executive Decree, White House, February __, 2014
I, Barack Hussein Obama, President of the United States and universally acknowledged Guardian of the Universe, hereby decree:
1. The November 24, 2013 nuclear agreement between P5+1 negotiators and the Islamic Republic of Iran clearly states in its Governing Preface that Iran shall continue to seek only peaceful nuclear capabilities. It is necessary to verify that such continues to be the case.
2. Accordingly, Iran is hereby directed, immediately, to permit representatives of P5+1 to inspect all Iranian military sites, as well as all other places in Iran, as to which Iran advises that there is credible evidence that explosive nuclear devices, warheads in which they can be installed and missiles by which they can be delivered are present — unless Iran affirms that they are intended for solely peaceful purposes. The term “solely peaceful purposes” shall include, but not by way of limitation, preemptive strikes and other attacks against her enemies.
3. Consistently with my earlier directives, P5+1 representatives shall demand, and Iran shall meet (in Iran’s sole discretion), a “very high threshold” for evidence that its nuclear efforts are limited to solely peaceful purposes as herein defined.
4. My Secretary of State, John Kerry, will confirm to me six weeks prior to the date of the 2014 U.S. congressional elections that Iran has acknowledged and is in full compliance with this Executive Decree.
5. Iranian officials are hereby granted Top Secret clearance for access to all U.S. documents so classified, including those labeled “NOFORN,” to permit them to read, understand and act upon this Executive Decree.
President Obama has made it perfectly clear that His remarkably forceful Executive Decree will accelerate the pace of P5+1 negotiations in the desired direction and that there will be no extraneous foreign policy issues to distract voters from legitimate issues in the November U.S. elections. Indeed, CNN and MSNBC were the first to acknowledge that the Executive Decree is President Obama’s most exciting and clear foreign policy statement thus far. Congressperson (and Chair of the Democrat National Committee) Debbie Wasserman-Schultz praised both media outlets for their profound understanding of President Obama’s foreign policy. She opined that Iran has no choice other than to comply with the Executive Decree, reluctantly.
Speaker of the House Boehner, in a rare demonstration of bipartisanship, agreed with her and expressed total and absolute agreement with President Obama’s truly amazing Executive Decree.